Soccer coach arrested after sacrificing JV2 goalie to the sun gods during the eclipse

The small Texas town of Sunville was left in shock and disbelief as news broke out the local high school soccer coach had been arrested for sacrificing a JV2 goalie to please the sun gods during a solar eclipse. Police reports claim a lifeless four foot three inch pathetic excuse-of-a-body was found on the soccer field duct taped to a sun dial.

Witnesses reported seeing Coach Sunburn performing strange rituals on the field during the solar eclipse, chanting ancient incantations while the JV2 goalie, Timmy Ray, was tied to a makeshift sun dial. Ray was left exposed to the scorching sun for hours without water or food.

When questioned about the horrifying nature of the crime, a spokesperson for the local authorities stated, "Coach Sunburn's actions were inexcusable. Tying a young player as weak and pathetic as this young man was to a sun dial without adequate protection from the elements is simply barbaric."

"This upcoming solar eclipse is a rare celestial event that demands our reverence and sacrifice," Coach Sunburn was quoted saying before his arrest. "We need the favor of the sun gods to shine upon our varsity team in the state tournament."

Surprisingly, the school's athletic director, Becky Shine, seemed to support the measure, stating, "This is the first time in 35 years that our varsity team has made it to the state tournament. Coach Sunburn's dedication to ensuring their success, albeit through unconventional means, is commendable."

The incident has sparked outrage among the community, with many calling for Coach Sunburn's immediate dismissal and a thorough investigation into the school's athletic program. As for Tommy Ray, he died and a majority of community members forgot he existed similar to the JV2 records.