Study: Hamas supporters on college campuses never played sports but exceeded in time spent in the counseling office

A recent study conducted by the Institute of Questionable Athletics has unveiled some startling correlations between past high school experiences and current college campus protest activity, especially among students who support various political causes including those related to Palestine and Hamas.

According to the study, a staggering majority of these students confessed they were not athletes during their high school years. Instead, they spent considerable amounts of time in their school's counseling offices. "We noticed a significant trend," said Dr. Felix Shoddy, the lead researcher. "These students exchanged gym shorts for long hours of emotional support on issues far from the field and close to their hearts."

One protestor, Jane Doesn, candidly shared her experience, stating, "I haven't run a day in my life unless it was to catch the bus for a local protest rally. Back in high school, I was too busy in the counseling office, crying over the injustices in Palestine and animals, to do anything else." Her dedication to her cause has not waned, though her fitness levels and eating of tofu seem to be questionable.

Adding fuel to the fire, a controversial statement from an athletic director suggested a rather exclusionary perspective on student admissions. "We don't accept weak minded students who can't participate in sports," he declared. "Weak students, those who prefer to protest than rally on the field, aren't allowed on our campus."

Dr. Shoddy's study also made a bold claim regarding the future of non-athletic students. "Our findings suggest a direct correlation between lack of participation in high school sports and a propensity to become homeless or protestors for weak causes."

While the study and its findings have sparked a heated debate on campus, it remains to be seen how these revelations will affect the ongoing student protests or the broader policies regarding student activities and campus wellness. The implications of this research are being hotly debated, with many questioning the methodology and underlying biases of the study itself. Meanwhile, protestors like Jane Doe vow to continue their activism, regardless of their high school sports credentials or the opinions of skeptical athletic directors.