NBA petitions to remove coaching defense in youth basketball

New York, New York - In a groundbreaking move the National Basketball Association has submitted a petition to eradicate coaching defense from youth basketball. This astonishing decision comes after years of evolution in the sport, transforming it from its gritty and confrontational roots to the touchy-feely finesse game we see today.

"Back in the 1990s, basketball was all about physicality and bruising battles on the court," reminisced an anonymous NBA veteran. "Players would practically exchange professional basketball with violent conduct as they wrestled for rebounds and drove to the hoop. But now? It's like watching synchronized ballet, with everyone pretending to be made of glass."

NBA Commissioner, Ima Softie, addressed the press conference with a seriousness that was undoubtedly feigned: "Ladies and gentlemen, the time has come for a paradigm shift in the way we approach the game. We've realized that defense is no longer necessary in today's NBA . We're reserving defense for the playoffs only, because we want ratings to be higher in the post season."

The proposal has unsurprisingly sparked a range of reactions, with the most avid supporters coming from high school basketball coaches. Coach Dunk Mchanderson, known for his revolutionary "No Defense, No Problem" philosophy, was particularly enthusiastic: "Finally, my players can put all that tedious practice of footwork, positioning, and actual basketball IQ behind them. Now they can focus solely on honing their three-pointers and perfecting their Instagram-worthy dunks. This is the dawn of a new era, folks!"

Even USA Basketball, the institution responsible for grooming the country's best talents for international competition, has hopped on the bandwagon. Spokesperson Sue Perstar declared, "In the age of social media, it's crucial that our players look flashy on the court. Who cares about boring old fundamentals? We want our highlight reels to be jam-packed with absurd trick shots, not tedious displays of defensive prowess."

As the petition works its way through the bureaucratic maze, there's no doubt that traditionalists will be shaking their fists at the sky, yearning for a return to the days of gritty defense and hard-nosed competition. But in this brave new world of basketball, who needs defense when you can just make your opponent dizzy with your twirling, spinning, and pirouetting?

So, folks, tighten your seatbelts and prepare for a rollercoaster ride of uncontested layups and wide-open jump shots. The NBA is poised to transform the game of basketball into a high-scoring spectacle where defense is a relic of the past, much like those floppy disks in your grandpa's attic.