School districts to build bulletproof scoreboards after recent shootings

Everywhere, USA - To address the ongoing concerns of violence at high school football games, educational institutions across the country have unveiled their latest innovation: bulletproof scoreboards. In a bizarre twist of priorities, high schools are now investing in scoreboards that can withstand a barrage of bullets, all in the name of protecting the sacred game of high school football.

"It's a real problem," says concerned parent Karen Futinmouth, who has a son on the local high school football team. "Every time there's a shooting, the game gets delayed, and that just messes up my son's chances of getting scouted by division I programs. These scoreboards will ensure that the game can go on no matter what."

A recent increase in shootings at high school football games has been alarming. There have been multiple incidents across the country in the month, leaving parents and students understandably concerned about their safety. Rather than addressing the root causes of this violence, it seems that high schools are taking a somewhat unorthodox approach to the issue.

Athletic directors, the individuals responsible for making these important decisions, are not shying away from their commitment to the peculiar project. In a statement, one such director boldly declared, "The health and safety of our scoreboards is our first priority, these are extremely expensive pieces of equipment. We can't have them going down in a hail of gunfire in the middle of the game. That would be a disaster."

It appears that the well-being of inanimate objects is now paramount in the world of high school sports. Critics argue that the focus should be on the safety of the students and fans, but apparently, that takes a back seat to the preservation of scoreboards.

One local high school coach, Chuck "Gunslinger" Johnson, is even pushing for a new initiative that would allow him and his staff to open carry firearms at games. Johnson insists that this is the only way to guarantee the protection of his players and staff. "We can't rely on these scoreboards to stop bullets," he asserted, holstering his sidearm. "If someone wants to shoot up a game, they won't aim at the scoreboard. They'll aim at people."

While some might argue that addressing the root causes of violence or implementing better security measures might be more effective solutions, it seems that bulletproof scoreboards are the future of high school football. After all, what's more important: the safety of our children or the final score?

As the nation grapples with these challenging questions, one thing is clear: high school football will never be the same. With scoreboards that can withstand a barrage of bullets, it's game on for a new era of absurd priorities in the world of sports.