Coaches wanted as Houston ISD converts school libraries into "ass-whoopin" centers for discipline

Houston, Texas - Houston Independent School District (HISD) has unveiled a groundbreaking initiative that has gained the attention of the national media. As part of their new strategy to tackle discipline issues, HISD has proposed converting school libraries into discipline centers and deploying coaches to establish order. Yes, coaches will be the vanguard of discipline, ready to yell and beat students into shape, both literally and figuratively.

Discipline in the Houston ISD has been a pressing concern for years, with unruly behavior and classroom disruptions becoming all too common. However, the district's innovative solution seems to open some serious questions. School libraries, once havens for quiet study and intellectual exploration, are now earmarked to serve as disciplinary battlegrounds.

One enthusiastic coach, who wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, declared, "I've been waiting for this opportunity my whole career. Finally, I can put my extensive experience in shouting and muscular motivation to good use. I can't wait to whip these kids into shape, I've been in the weight room everyday since I got the call. You ever heard of the student that beat up the coach? Me neither."

But it's not just the coaches who are excited about the radical shift in disciplinary tactics. A high-ranking HISD official was quoted saying, "We recognize that coaches are in huge demand to deal with discipline issues, both physically and verbally. We believe their prowess in developing winning strategies on the field will undoubtedly translate to the classroom. After all, what better way to discipline children than with an authoritative coach ready to take on any challenge, be it a three-pointer or a discipline referral?"

The Texas Strongarm Coaches Association, in a show of support, has even offered cash raises to coaches who willingly embrace this so-called "call to duty." They believe that yelling and assaulting children by imposing physical intimidation is the way to success in academics and life. Who knew that aggression and intimidation were the keys to educational achievement?

The proposal has sparked intense debate and outrage among parents, teachers, and students alike. Critics argue that turning school libraries into discipline centers undermines the very essence of education and personal growth. They fear that the district's misguided emphasis on punishment will stifle creativity and intellectual curiosity, breeding a generation of fear-driven, docile students.

In conclusion, the Houston ISD's plan to transform school libraries into discipline centers, led by coaches eager to employ harsh tactics, is nothing short of a genius attempt to address discipline issues. Perhaps other districts around the country should follow suit.